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Special Needs Moms and Mom Shaming

March 5, 2019

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Special Needs Mom

 

Special Needs Moms.  No one can ever really explain what it’s like being a parent. We’ve seen examples of parents all of our lives, right? And I mean all kinds of parents:

Smothering

Single

Anxious

Hovering

Easy going

Laidback

Fun

Perpetually exhausted

I could go on and somewhere along the way we form an idea of the kind of parent we will be.

We pull out the good examples that we’ve seen and try our best to weed out the bad and then our baby arrives.

So how hard could this job really be?

?

It’s fine

When my first child Sara was born I was exhausted and in so much pain from a difficult labor and delivery.  That pacifier I wasn’t gonna use? I used it in the first 8 hours.

Being parent levels us teaches us and humbles us. It’s great to have expectations, visions, and goals. These are the things that show us if we are heading in the direction we really want to go. But we also have to learn to bend and flex or we will break. Being a parent level us teaches us and humbles us. It’s great to have expectations, visions, and goals. These are the things that show us if we are heading in the direction we really want to go. But we also have to learn to bend and flex or we will break.

We get to us we find out soon enough that this child is uniquely him/herself. And by that I mean they may not be a tiny little you that you may have imagined. 

I have two daughters and there may have been a moment I imagined we would dress alike, share the same interests and drink iced lattes at Starbucks. 

Well, it didn’t turn out quite as I expected.  

I can’t quite put my finger on it

Watching your kids develop their own interests, personalities, and likes and dislikes can be a little scary because it’s unknown to us.  Now let’s say when this baby arrives and either through observation or testing or constant illness you start to realize something is wrong.

Maybe you can pinpoint the problem right away or maybe it’s a sinking suspicion that something isn’t right but you can’t quite figure out what it is.

Been there…

Been judged…

Here’s what I’ve learned from my own experience. There is no pain you can feel as deeply as your child’s pain.

When you have to travel down this road of diagnosis, procedures, acceptance, and a brand new normal from what you imagined for your child, you change and little pieces of you unravel.

But we as parents are really quite fabulous. Our love for these new little lives starts to change us and we grow towards the parents we are meant to be.

I feel holier than thou… aka mom shaming

Mom shamers show up in different disguises.

Not so well-meaning family, coworkers, health care workers, and worst of all, friends who know way more than you do.

The comments usually start like this.

My daughter never…

I would never let my child…..

Back in my day…..

You better be careful…..

My doctor doesn’t believe in…..

My doctor says……..

Oh, your doctor uses antibiotics at such a young age?

You know the comments I’m talking about. That well placed sympathetic comment wrapped in a ribbon of I’m judging you. Rarely are these comments followed with a genuine offer of help.  I know you could include more of your own.

Keep this in mind: Mom judgers are insecure and feel a little bit better about themselves when pointing at you.

You can go now

special mom

Girl bye

Last week I talked with the nicest mom.

Her daughter and my son have the same diagnoses.

She was telling me her experience with a know-it-all-nurse making snarky comments about what this mom “should be doing to keep her child from getting sick”.

Her response was silence.  But she told me, “I just wanted to throat punch her.”

Yep,  I feel ya sister. I understand.

Put on your walking boots and leave.  Or at least limit their reach into your life. We aren’t in a contest to see who is Super Mom. That’s arrogant and pretty much just rude. This is about raising your child to the best of your ability.

This is is one of the many reasons I’ve started this blog is to offer connection and support where it is needed. There are no Super Moms here, no comparisons. But if you want help, support, resources, and friendship you’ve come to the right place.

Here are some support groups for parents of kids with special needs:

Www.cincinnatichildrens.org

Www.verywellfamily.com/support-groups

Www.specialneedsmomsformoms.com

Www.additudemag.com/you’re-not-alone

 

READ  Autism Alaska

Facebook groups

Www.singingthroughtherain.net/2015/10/groups-for-special-needs-families.html

https://www.iidc.indiana.edu/pages/parent-g

 

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